So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The struggles of a small town man whore
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
