We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
