awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
