Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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