Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
