I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
