Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
