i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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