i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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