Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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