Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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