i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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