If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
