how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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