So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
