You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
