She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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