Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
