I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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