Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize