I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
