Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I smell like Dick and happiness
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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