Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
