Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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