guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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