I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
