Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
