So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
