When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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