I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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