I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
last night I used snow as a chaser
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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