Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
