dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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