omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
