I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
