i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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