im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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