All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
