so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
