That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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