But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
