Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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