I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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