Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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