I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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