If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize