Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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