Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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