so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
