I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
