Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize