Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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