i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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