He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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